As Mayday Bank Holiday arrives, and a few minutes of dry weather are forecast somewhere in the South of England at around three o’clock in the morning, Supermarkets are stocking up on sausages. Yes, it’s time to eat charcoal encrusted raw meat (and cereal filler) served on a bed of soggy bread in a jus of tepid rain water again. That’s after you’ve brillo-padded the rust off your barbecue grill of course!

Bank Holiday time again

Five million packs of sausages are expected to be sold by Tesco alone this weekend. That’s a lot of pig snouts. Boots Chemist are expecting a roaring trade too, after a warning on BBC news about spending more than two minutes in bed, unprotected by factor 99 sun-cream, while there is a clear sky. It can lead to Latin-style passions apparently. Best avoid those!

Of course, not everyone will be out in the garden in their kagools. People in Cornwall will be parading about in horse costumes trying to cop a feel of the local farmer’s daughter. This fertility ritual is customarily followed by the running-away-from-the-farmer-with-his-great-big-bloody-shotgun parade. The lively climax to this time-honoured tradition being the sacrifice of a tourist boiled alive in a giant fish stew prepared by local chef Rick Stein. Rick says he always tries to get the freshest produce, so if you’re visiting Cornwall this weekend keep off the beer eh!