Blighty thought we’d address those readers living outside of the UK today. So, ‘Oi, you living outside the UK today, do you always live outside the UK, or is it just today you’re not here? Anyway, here’s a bit of guff about our great British press, newspaper by newspaper. What you should remember is that, unlike in the US, these papers have national coverage, because we’re a bit diddy over here and a journey from one end of the country to the other is like a trip to the local corner shop in some states of America. Especially those states with gun-toting christian types who are always quoting the bible and threatening to kill some poor sod or other.

The Daily Mail
Politics: Would go down well with the gun-toting christian
Readership: Uneducated toffs, smug middle-class and working-class wannabes who think posh is having chintz
At its best: Often a laugh to see what has wound them up today
At its worst: Cheap and nasty bigoted nonsense based on urban myth and what Dorothy heard at the bridge club
If it fell on Blighty’s doormat: He’d call pest control immediately and have the house thoroughly decontaminated

Daily Mirror
Politics: Leftish, but with a tinge of string-em-all-up about it. Well, it is a taboid after all
Readership: Working class Labour supporters and middle-class liberals slumming it
At its best: When it remembers its campaigning past
At its worst: Simplistic and… well, tabloid
If it fell on Blighty’s doormat: He might read it, if he had a spare couple of seconds

Guardian
Politics: Liberal left, everything gun-toting christian chappie would hate
Readership: Middle-class liberal types who look down on readers of other newspapers (hard not to really)
At its best: A british paper that isn’t right wing! Yaaay!
At its worst: Based purely in London now like all other newspapers
If it fell on Blighty’s doormat: He’d see if there was anything in it he hadn’t read on the website

The Sun
Politics: Of the playground
Readership: Men with arses showing above their jeans
At its best: Mildly amusing, if you’re a lager lout
At its worst: Nasty, bigoted rag probably responsible for some deaths
If it fell on Blighty’s doormat: He’d give it to the baby to read, or throw up on, or whatever she felt like doing with it

Times
Politics: Old tory
Readership: Old tories, unsurprisingly! People you could have a drink with perhaps, unless the conservatives win the election
At its best: When it attempts balance
At its worst: Another right wing rag owned by Murdoch
If it fell on Blighty’s doormat: He’d mumble something about Murdoch and chuck it in the bin

Telegraph
Politics: Is known as Torygraph
Readership: Educated bigots
At its best: Well written bigoted nonsense based on urban myth and what Dorothy heard at the bridge club
At its worst: More right wing Little-Englander fodder
If it fell on Blighty’s doormat: He might look at the TV guide before chucking it in the bin