Tony Blair has returned from seeing Queen about dissolving Parliament (she said it was ok apparently) and announced a 5th May election. As a result Blighty is starting a new series following the party leaders as they frantically smother the country in baby kisses.

The first thing to note is that if you’re a dishonest lazy waster they’re not interested in your vote. They only seem concerned with ‘hard working honest people of this country’. We at Blighty think this is a mistake as the number of dishonest idlers can’t be overstated.

Charles Kennedy can’t be accused of idling. He set off on a countrywide tour before Tony Blair had even announced the election. Blighty wonder if the PM was at all tempted not go to see the Queen after all and make Kennedy look a right Charlie. The Lib Dem leader is getting in Newcastle, Manchester, Leeds, Edinburgh and Norwich today. We wonder if this is wise. It’s only day one Charlie! There are only so many cities in the country. Pace yourself. Bit over eager, bless him.

Kennedy is probably getting rather over-excited by the latest addition to their ranks. Stephen Wilkinson, until yesterday Labour’s candidate for Ribble Valley, has decided to jump ship at this late date. He’s a bit sick of Tony Blair being bossy and telling him what to do. He sees Kennedy as a softer touch no doubt. Especially after a couple of wee drams.

Howard is still giving stick to asylum seekers, travellers and other people the British public don’t seem to like very much. He thinks it’s working because the four latest polls show the tories cutting the gap to be between 2 and 5 points. As the tories need a lead of twice that themselves to have a chance of getting into power it’s not nearly enough. Therefore, Howard is appealing for ideas for other easy targets. So, if there are any groups of people that really get on your tits email Michael Howard with the subject header ‘I really hate…’

The one worry to Blair, as he begins his campaign outside number ten in his i’m-not-at-all-rattled-no-really-i’m-not shirt-sleeves, is that the Labour voters haven’t decided whether to come out on election day or not. They might stay in and watch Eastenders instead. They really can’t be bothered with Blair. They want someone new to vote for.

Blair has four weeks to convince them to tape Eastenders instead and help keep the tories out. And that getting him in is merely the unfortunate consequence of that.