The campaign trail has really heated up today. It’s positively fizzing, or is that Michael Howard emitting spittle again?

The tories are the first to publish a manifesto, or rather, a moanifesto. It’s a slim volume, anorexic some might say. That’s because of the bile it keeps throwing up about immigration. But to be fair to Howard he has shown his mettle. To back up his strong words he has pledged to deport himself back to Transylvania if he is elected. ‘Yes, I’ll be on the first coffin out of here,’ he said this morning, wincing from the hazy sun, and drinking from a phial of red fruit juice. ‘I am a man of action, bu-urp.’

Howard also said that re-electing Labour would mean ‘five more years of smirking’. What’s wrong with smirking all of a sudden? It’s been hard not to, watching the tories elect one incompetent after another as leader the last few years. Howard promises to replace the smirk with a good old fashioned grimace. Like they had in his day.

There are five pledges in the moanifesto. They are: more police on less money, cleaner hospitals void of patients from council estates, the end to spending on public services, introducing teacher/pupil punch ups in inner city schools and making funny coloured people feel really uncomfortable.

The manifesto also states, ‘Twenty-first century Britain should be a place of optimism, dynamism and unprecedented progress. It may not feel like that today but there’s no reason it can’t feel like that tomorrow.’ Great, Labour will still be in power tomorrow. Not all bad, then, after all!

Tony Blair has wasted no time in dismissing the Tory manifesto as ‘fraudulent’. And by wasting no time we mean he hasn’t read it yet! But he’s in the middle of a good Stephen King right now and hasn’t the time to read two horror stories at once.

The Labour Party have responded to claims that they intend to raise the school leaving age. This is not the intention at all, they merely intend for people to be educated two years longer. But they won’t be using schools! Pupils will be taught out of doors for those extra two years. So ner!

And what of Charles Kennedy? I hear you ask. Is he stuck in traffic somewhere? No, he’s out looking for an extra 21 000 teachers. They’re probably all at home on a sickie worried about having to take on those school bullies in inner city schools! Who can blame them?

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