The Labour Party took centre stage today as they launched their manifesto. It is a chunky volume of 100 pages, compared to the bulemic tory moanifesto, which should ensure nobody actually reads it. During the launch at the Mermaid Theatre Blair stood in front of a bunch of extras collectively known as ‘the cabinet’. He stressed that this would be his last election as Prime Minister. He said that next time he intends to stand for Presidency.

The manifesto revolves around five pledges aiming to paint Labour as the nice party to Michael Howard’s nasty bunch of undead vampire bastards. The pledges include: to be as hard on immigration as the tories, but to hand out lolly pops at border checkpoints, not to increase vat on nice things like children’s clothes, fairy cakes or cute ‘ickle teddy bears’, and to introduce a far more pleasant kind of matron to clean up the NHS, not bossy like that Hatty Jakes woman who Michael Howard has a thing about.

After his obsessions the last couple of weeks with immigration, it seems that smirking is top of Michael Howard’s agenda this week. So preoccupied is he with this facial expression that the Conservatives are soon to release an anti-smirk advert throughout cinemas in the UK. Sometimes you have to worry about Howard’s sanity. The burden of leading that ramshackle bunch of misfits is obviously getting to him, poor chap. And having to come outside during daylight hours can’t help.

The Liberal Democrats will be launching their manifesto tomorrow. It should have been in the public domain by now but Charles Kennedy has been busy cleaning baby sick off it. From his bathroom this morning he told the press that the NHS should be fairer, that the whole system was unfair and that it was unfair that he had to change the ‘bloody nappy again. I’m leader of a major political party for God’s sake, not a… No, Donald!’ before dabbing his eye clean with a cotton ball. ‘Bloody boys,’ he reflected.

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