Drum roll please! Finally cleaned of baby sick, the Lib Dem manifesto is now in the public domain. Charles Kennedy announced the document launch from deep inside the New Forest, betraying his lack of marketing nous. The journos who did manage to find him, camped out in a clearing heating up a tin of baked beans, heard him speak about his desire to raise the voting age so that Donald can vote for his daddy. Awww, bless.

He went on to talk about their intention, if elected (shouldn’t laugh really) to replace council tax with local income tax, which would mean that half the population would be better off! Blighty wonders just how the other half of the population will feel about that. It isn’t as though it will be an unfair system, though. Names will be drawn from a hat.

Kennedy said that the Lib Dems were the only real alternative, in fact he was so alternative that he had a vast collection of Fall records. He said that he believed his party would appeal to the ‘liberal decency of British people’ and that ‘little fairies throughout the land would celebrate the day the Lib Dems won through!’ He finished by saying that he ‘went forward with a song in our heart and a really positive stride in our step… Does anyone know how to get out of this damn forest, it’s nearly “Mr poo time”.’

Michael Howard has finally stopped wittering on about immigration after discovering that this is hardening up the Labour support. Lefties have been reminded of what a nasty bunch of cobwebbed old giffers the tory party really are and now say that they might vote after all ‘…but we’re not happy about it. Why do we have to do what Blair says? It’s so unfair!’

Meanwhile back over in cloud cuckooland old orange chops himself, Robert Kilroy Sick, has announced the formation of his new band of travelling entertainers called Veritas, latin for truth. This follows the recent split with his previous group of comedians known as UKIP, latin for bullshit.

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