It’s that time in the election campaign when the great and good declare their voting intentions. Yes, those celebrities everyone has forgotten about drag themselves out of rehab and try to court publicity by saying they intend to vote Conservative.

It’s good to know who to boycott in future. As is usually the case, however, if your main inclination is anti-tory there’s no great loss. It reads like a list of Who Cares? Frederic - boring old anti-European whinger - Forsyth, Joan - ex-soft porn star and 1980s shoulder-pad hanger - Collins, who doesn’t live here anyway so bugger off plastic mush, Tim - writer of kitsch songs and cricket watching boring old fart - Rice, Bill - yes we know you were in the Rolling Stones once so what - Wyman and Anneka Rice - vague recollection… no, it’s gone.

So, no need for major upheaval in the Blighty household. Although we won’t be waking up to the sound of Anthony Worrell Thompson rattling around the kitchen this Saturday. Another tory, old garden gnome features. No great loss though, he’s been getting rather annoying recently, trying to chat the female guests up all the time because he’s lost a few pounds. Now he has a scraggy neck and a paunch. How can they resist him?

Oh, and that almost famous politician Michael Howard has said that there’s no way an immigrant is getting his vote. It’s the BNP for him.

On the other side of the political divide really really nice people like Richard and Judy are putting their cross next to Labour. Nuff said. Argument over. (That’ll guarantee Blighty’s mum’s vote at least.)

And it does look rather like it is all over. The Sun, after considering the issues, analysing the main parties’ manifestos, seeing that Howard has the same obsessions they have and is almost as right wing, plumped for Labour anyway because they’re going to win. Never let it be said that Rupert Murdoch is an unprincipled Aussie arse with a poncy name!

Previously in the Election Watch Series