After a bout of thorough spring cleaning by an army of grannies from Eastbourne, beaches in Kent and Sussex have been awarded thirty one yellow and blue flags between them. That means that you could eat off them, if you don’t mind the taste of sand, and if you don’t then quite frankly you’re very odd and Blighty would rather you push off to some fetish site somewhere.

Anyway, in an effort to maintain this level of cleanliness the local councils are to introduce some draconian measures. They will be demanding people take off their shoes before entering the beach. DSS people with carrier bags containing cans of Special Brew are banned - in fact all carrier bags are banned except ones from Waitrose - as are boisterous children and people with an ‘untidy appearance’ or ‘marked accent’. Dogs are definitely a no-no unless they’re wearing a nappy. ‘It’s all about standards,’ Councillor Derek Jobson said today. ‘We want our beaches to be top dog and we don’t want any riff raff turning them into… mere muts.’

A Kent beach today

A team of bouncers will be strategically placed to keep out undesirables. They will also police the queues that are expected in mid-summer when the ’sixty-three people to a beach’ rule comes in. Then only sixty-three people… oh, you worked it out, well done. Back over to Councillor Jobson - ‘Too many bathers spoil the… erm… broth. And we want our broth nice and clean,’ he said today, whilst standing in front of a brawl between two bouncers and a family from the Isle of Dogs. ‘Some people might say we’re being elitist but you can’t make an omelette without scrambling some eggs,’ he added. ‘And we want our eggs nice and clean!’

Opinions along the sea front were mixed, today. The family from the Isle of Dogs, now sporting a variety of black eyes and cuts, were unequivocal. ‘It’s a ******* disgrace mate. They even took are ******* cans ‘a’ Special Brew. Whernkers!’ Mrs Flora Fernley from Lewes had a contrary view, however. ‘It’s about time someone took a stand for decency and cleanliness,’ she said, ‘If they won’t bring back conscription then I suppose this will have to do.’

We’ll let Councillor Jobson have the last word. ‘Yes, there are going to be critics. There always are when you’re trying to get things done. I didn’t get where I am today by listening to critics. What good are they? All they ever do is… criticise.’ Wise words councillor, wise words.