2008’s European city of culture has a problem with its pavements. They’re adhesive. As you can imagine this makes getting around a tad difficult. Walking through its centre has become a chore only attempted by people with time to spare. No one but the unemployed venture out during week days. Discarded shoes litter the pavements. The reason for this epidemic? Chewing gum. And Liverpool want to tax it.

Yes, the scouse chewer, exercising his mandible in readiness to tell another joke, before discharging the gum like a cruise missile onto the pavement, is public enemy number one. And he could soon be paying for the privilege. A council meeting to take place this Wednesday will discuss taxing packets of gum, if everyone can make it on time.

The money raised would go towards a new vehicle called City Gum Remover that is currently in prototype form. It drives along the road with a giant grater extending from both sides which shave the pavements. Inventor Timothy Earnshaw likened it to grating parmesan to put on your carbonara. No thanks Tim, just the pepper please.

Liverpool Today

On the streets today opinion was mixed, when it could be found. Miss Beverley Bassett said it was time something was done ‘…that’s the third pair of shoes I’ve lost this week’ as she squelched away barefooted, another pair of stiletto heels falling victim to the new ‘gum disease’. Her boyfriend, Stewart, agreed. ‘We just can’t afford to buy a new pair of shoes every time we go out,’ he said.

Mrs Hardly, of Rhythm and Shoes disagrees however, ‘People do exaggerate don’t they,’ she said, while slipping a thick soled hiking boot onto another customer’s foot. ‘It’s only a bit of chewing gum la’. How would they have coped in the war?! Well, they seem a good fit. They’re proving very popular at the moment.’

Blighty wonders, is it too late to give 2008 to Newcastle?