In keeping with the trend of retro programming and nostalgia shows the BBC are to bring back the good old 1970s next Monday by going out on strike. Yes, you can relive the time-honoured tradition of men on picket lines beating up cleaning ladies as they try to get into work. Donkey jackets will be salvaged from BBC’s costume department for the day.

How the Beeb will look on Monday

The list of programmes to be affected by the strike is growing, with all current affairs shows being dropped. In fact, there will be no news at all that day, which might come as a disappointment to the publicity hungry strikers. The programmes that do survive will be shown in snowy black and white with commentary to be delivered by the Queen, as she is the only person left who still speaks old BBC English. The weather will be forecast in the traditional way using a pine cone and a wet finger, so the viewer shouldn’t notice much difference there. Laurence Llewelyn-Bowing 747 is expected to come into the BBC studios to do a make-over, employing his trusted tin of purple paint to create the effect of computer graphics. And Carol Smiley will be on hand to do whatever it is she does do (Blighty isn’t sure but thinks it involves grinning inanely).

To take advantage of the chaos at the beeb other channels are looking to schedule some big hitters. Channel Four will be showing The All Time Top 100 Strikes, featuring comments by TV personalities you have a vague recollection of. ITV will be broadcasting Celebrity Strike, in which you, the viewer, can vote for the celebrity you’d like to stay out most - the clever money is on Michael Winner. Channel 5 will be showing the film Debbie Does the Picket Line. As most of the output on satellite and cable is repeats of 1970s BBC sitcoms anyway their scheduling will remain largely unaltered.

Things are expected to get back to normal on Tuesday at the Beeb, although, if Monday does prove successful, there is talk of a 1960s day when the BBC will re-broadcast some of their 40 year old programmes, if they can borrow them back from UK Gold of course.