Conservative bigwigs have had a bit of a confab today to decide how to stop their branch members from meddling in the election their new leader. It has recently dawned upon them that their members are all mad. This moment of lucid thinking must be alarming to the Labour Party.

In the past the members of the tory party have shown themselves to have the unerring ability to pick the biggest dud available. They could pick out the duddest dud of a million duds in Dudsville and make him leader as quickly as you can say… dud. Anyone in possession of a personality never has a chance because he is bound to have upset some one at the bridge club at some point. The one with least charisma and dress sense has a big advantage as he’s considered less likely to be a puff. Root and branch members like puffs less than they like blacks. As for women, the female members hate them! Unless they’re Margaret Thatcher of course, but then, she didn’t like women much either.

Anyway, the upshot of the meeting is that the party will poll the members as usual but the candidate who gains the least number of votes will be elected leader. Gordon Brown is said to be a worried man this evening. Especially as a number of the new tory front bench look like they have blood in their veins… rather than in a phail.