As coffin-snoozer Michael Howard prepares to lead his band of living dead known as the Conservatives into another electoral defeat, it seems as though he may have support from some unusual places - the spiritual world. Yes, the astonishing news has come to light that in some London constituencies there will be ghosts voting on May 5th! That can only be good news for Howard, as Blighty has it on good authority that he counts many of them as his closest friends. Is that how they came to end up with ballot papers? Is this another case of electoral fraud on a metaphysical scale? Blighty went to investigate, employing his hitherto untapped medium powers.

Howard meets another enthusiastic supporter

Bob is much like any other bloke really. Or rather he was before being knocked down by a number 9 bus to Marble Arch last August. Nowadays he walks the West End streets unseen by mere mortals. He says that he intends to vote Conservative. ‘Well, they’re the only ones really interested in our vote. No other politician has bothered to speak to us.’ Blighty pointed out that no other politician had access to the undead but he was unremitting. ‘Look, Howard is the only man to stand up against the influx of foreign spirits. They come over here, haunt our stately homes, getting preferential treatment from the Council of the Incorporeal. Then there’s the travelling ghosts who flit from one house to another, never settling down, unnerving everyspirit else. Howard understands our plight. He is a man of the non-people!’

Around the corner in the Disembodied Soul the conversation, over tankards of smoky liquid, was of Howard. They spoke of him in heroic terms as their unnatural born leader. The only man to speak out for the undead. When Blighty broached the subject of how they came in the possession of ballot papers in the first place the pub went quiet, Queen Victoria missed the dart board, and everyspirit looked towards Blighty. He gulped.

To jolly things up Blighty made the joke about it being a shame more of the voters weren’t undead, then Howard might have a chance. This was received with knowing glances and wry smiles. Bob said, ‘We’re not saying anything… but don’t you think he’s working on it?’ On that chilling note Blighty left the Disembodied Soul and ran as quickly as he could back to the land of the living… well, Marble Arch anyway.

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