What can we do with our out-of-control youth? It is the question on the lips of every decent, law-abiding citizen, scared to death by tabloid headlines and entirely hacked off by the inability to get his, or her, leg over any longer. Yes, it’s time for the older generation to fight back, from the comfort of their, now unaffordable, houses.

A recent experiment at The Bluewater Shopping Centre banning hoodies has proved unsatisfactory, especially after a group of Cistercian Monks were rejected from the mall. Adolph Kuntz, the manager, defended the incident saying that they had been ‘creeping about the place being silent in an intimidating manner’. The monks were unavailable for comment as they have taken a vow of silence. But, from what we could see of their faces, they didn’t look happy. That’s not unusual though, apparently.

Hoodies banned from some shopping centres

So the debate has begun as to what we can do with those youngsters who have sex and enjoy themselves in public. Daily Mail columnist Daphne de Seest has come up with the suggestion of forcing all males between the ages of twelve and eighteen to wear straight jackets in public. And if they continue being twelve to eighteen year old males, to remove a limb one at a time until they grow out of it. She says it’s the only way to make them take notice. ‘In my day boys pulled your hair a bit, which did often hurt. And they called you names like Daphne Dungeon Drawers. But then the blighters all went off to die in some World War or other. Serves them right too! What we need is proper war with conscription and plenty of dead teenagers!’

A spokesman for the Government said that, as the ban of hoodies was proving difficult to enforce, they were considering banning youth entirely. ‘From shopping centres you mean?’ asked Blighty. ‘No, entirely. We have the top brains on the matter. Scientists have stumbled upon the groundbreaking discovery that there is a youth gene and that it can be removed. Tests have been carried out and so far the results are encouraging. One male from Cleethorpes went from being a foul-mouthed bully who stole mobile phones and called his numerous girlfriends bitch to putting up shelves and mowing the lawn after just two days treatment! Now, when he’s feeling restless he goes to a prostitute as any respectable man would.’

So, perhaps it isn’t all bad news. It’s not inconceivable that one day soon youth could be just like the rest of us. Who’d have thought it?