Nicholas Stadlen QC has just finished delivering the longest speech in British legal history. He closed it defending the Bank of England, although he had begun it defending the Mercia Building Society. As the QC finished his marathon address the judge said that he didn’t quite catch that and could he repeat it! Groans from a baggy eyed courtroom were cut short when the judge collapsed laughing and muttering incoherently. He had never recovered from the sight of Stadlen’s case notes being delivered to the courtroom by truck on the first day of the case.

Stadlen leaving court today.

As Stadlen left court today he countered the criticisms from the waiting media that much of his speech had been padding, and that he had an eye on the record all along. It is true that the judge had to intervene on twenty three thousand seven hundred and thirty two occasions. Gordon Pollock QC, the previous record holder, intends to read through the speech carefully, once he can find a warehouse big enough to house it. He is particularly interested in Stadlen’s marked stutter that peppered the speech. It took him three days to enunciate the word ‘milord’ on one occasion. Pollock suspects that, if the time Stadlen spent stuttering was to be subtracted from the speech length, his own record would still stand today. He is hoping to report his findings sometime in the current millennium.

Once Stadlen finally pulled himself away from the media today there was a touching reunion with his wife, until an older lady pointed out that that was actually his daughter. Once the confusion was sorted out, and the older lady was revealed to be his wife, Stadlen filed for divorce. The case should come to court next autumn.