Our rural landscape is in danger of turning as blue as it is on the political map. In a programme of horticultural ethnic cleansing a fifth of British wild flowers are being killed off, and they’re all red! Keith Kellerman of Plant Watch says it must stop now. As he stands before a field of Bluebells and Forget-me-Nots he reflects on a time when it was all poppies.

‘I remember this when it was completely red,’ he says, ‘And look at it today, a sea of blue. It all began in 1997, the year Labour first came to power. Ever since they won that election our red wild flowers have gradually been picked off. No red petal is safe! The countryside is awash with serial killers in green wellies!’

Little Interlect welcomes visitors

In the nearby village of Little Interlect locals were keeping quiet today. Immediately on driving past the village sign (see above) Blighty could sense a certain antagonism. This only seemed to grow after asking for a Guardian newspaper in the village shop. ‘Taking a wrong turning have ye?’ the newsagent asked, before returning to his bone. Blighty left him to lunch in peace.

Keith Kellerman explained where Blighty had gone wrong. ‘Your car is too small,’ he said. ‘And it’s lead free! If you want to get to know these people you have to make an effort. I always drive around with two vicious dogs in the back of my four wheel drive. Get yourself a dog. If you can get it to bite a local that’s a big plus. They’ll respect you for that. Then they might talk.’

Clearly Blighty had a lot to learn. Keith went on to explain what the locals had said to him. ‘They say that this is just the start of it. Once the red has all gone they’ll be after the green. A group of farmers are already working on a prototype blue grass. It involves using a lot of harmful chemicals that could endanger local wildlife. And you can’t get less green than that!’

Blighty asked Keith if he thought anything could be done to stop it. Couldn’t we reason with these country folk? ‘No, reason is no good. It’s not part of the tradition of country life. The only solution is to fight back.’ Plant red wild flowers, Blighty suggested. ‘No, kill the buggers. It’s the only way. Rid the countryside of country folk. It’s the flowers or them.’ Put like that it’s hard to argue. So Blighty didn’t bother trying. Especially as it was getting late and there were some unnerving howling sounds coming from the fields.