The problem for anyone lucky enough to own possessions in the 12th century was the unsatisfactory state of home security. It was very primitive, a ripple on the moat being enough to set off the alarm. Not everyone could afford their own army of Welsh archers after all. Those that could promptly had them stolen by some Frenchman complaining about the lack of decent pastry chefs. Of course, it was the previously wealthy English who got the brunt of it. They were hung upside down and were forced to listen to French pop music until they eventually agreed to stop overcooking their vegetables.

It wouldn’t be true to say that food hygiene didn’t exist in the 12th century, cooks always washed their hands after using the toilet. Unfortunately, the water was poisonous. It took some time for the 12th century folk to work this out. It then became illegal for cooks to use the toilet at all. The smell in the kitchens was awful but at least hands were clean

The main forms of entertainment in the 12th century were torture, robbery and starving to death. The latter seems bleak on first sight, but as the alternative was eating eels and dying an agonising death it wasn’t such a bad option. Just ask Henry I. He died of food poisoning in 1135 and was succeeded by popular author of the day King, Stephen. He had little time for running the country in between writing bestsellers, as a consequence barons were left to plunder the countryside, stealing all the asparagus and not paying their bills in tea shops.

A 12th century Iraqi manuscript

Many English sought asylum in Arab countries at this time, but were considered bogus unless they had a limb or vital organ missing (see above). If you were dead your application was looked upon quite favourably.

Of course, the 12th century did have its good points. There were no Barrett housing estates, neither was there a pension crisis and the ozone layer was in relatively good nick. But really the only winners were the French and they were hacked off with the English weather, especially when they eventually reached Carlisle. Are you sure you’d rather live in the 12th century?

Person to be in the 12th century - a thief
Person not to be in the 12th century - Henry I’s dietitian

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