The 14th century wasn’t a good time to open a beauty salon. Deep cleansing and exfoliation of the skin is all good and well, but when you have a boil on your neck the size of a football you really can’t be bothered with all that. As for manicures, they generally require the presence of fingernails and even limbs were a premium in the 14th century with the French and Scots wielding axes all over the place. The peasants were revolting too, but you’d let yourself go with all that going on!

It was, however, a good time for 24 hour news channels. Although, even they got bored with the 100 years war, especially when it went into extra-time, the English finally winning on penalties. But there were plenty of other stories of death and destruction to keep their few remaining viewers happy. The first real opportunity for slaughter being at Bannockburn where the elite of English chivalry were massacred by a man even more terrifying than Mel Gibson in blue face paint - Robert The Bruce, probably Scotland’s greatest hero until Archie Gemmill dribbled a bit.

When the English weren’t being killed by hordes of ginger-wigged skirt-wearers across the border, they were winning the battle of Agincourt! A great English victory, won because the French wore fashionable boots from Paris that got stuck in the mud and the English turned up in wellies. For once the Met Office had got the weather forecast right. The French stick-in-the-muds were pummeled by English archers. The English progressed to the Castle Age, which meant they could build a Siege Workshop and really cause some pain. That’s if they remembered to build a Blacksmiths in the Feudal Age of course. Blighty recommends pressing the pause button often for periods of reflection.

The Black Death wasn’t bad news for everyone. If you were one of the few survivors you got a hefty wage increase and could demand time off for a round of golf, although rotting corpses in the bunkers did tend to put a dampener on proceedings. It didn’t take much to catch a lady’s eye either, just a blemish free neck and a pumping heart and you were away. The chances of finding your dream woman in the 14th century are slim, however, especially if you have an aversion to rotting teeth.

Of course the 14th century wasn’t all bad, there was plenty to talk about in the pub, queues outside the Ikea car park were minimal and the unemployment figures were encouraging. However, the chances are something would get you in the end and it would be a far from peaceful way to go. Are you sure you’d rather live in the 14th century?

Person to be in the 14th century - an undertaker
Person not to be in the 14th century - a beautician

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