The first decision to make when choosing a holiday in the UK is the area which you intend to visit. For this guide Blighty will concentrate on summer holidays on the coast. Such places can be found quite easily by looking on a map and finding words next to the big blue areas. Blighty would recommend focusing on the ones along the bottom part of the map commonly known as ‘darn sarf’. During summer months the sun has been known to appear here, usually causing an immediate drought. Blighty top tip - bring a bucket of water.

A holiday snap of a couple outside their hotel

Once you have chosen your destination the next decision to be made is the type of accommodation you require. There are four main options: a room in a decrepit building with flaky paint and garish carpets known as hotels, a sparsely furnished back-to-back terraced house known as a self-catering cottage, someone’s spare bedroom known as a B&B or living rough for the week known as camping.

Quality of hotels varies considerably. It is advisable to choose one that doesn’t offer its guests food poisoning as standard. Try to find one where this is an optional extra. Hotels advertising sea-views are attractive but make sure that this isn’t only achievable whilst standing on the loo, craning your neck and peering through binoculars, or that it doesn’t refer to the cheap print on the wall.

Self-catering cottages, Blighty’s own preference, can be equally tricky. Avoid ones whose representative photograph in the brochure or on the website is of the town you’re staying in. This means that the cottage either hasn’t been decorated since it was built, is located on a council estate, has no roof or doesn’t exist. Also, make sure that the description actually states that the oven heats up and isn’t merely for decoration.

Staying in someone’s spare bedroom, known as B&B, is often the cheaper option, but is usually the least comfortable. The establishments offering this cramped accommodation usually have creaky floorboards, which will be tread throughout the night by one of the owners or fellow guests on a rota system. The covers on the bed are often made of a strange plastic material and the duvet is stapled in place tightly to restrict movement - like spending the night in a straight-jacket. Breakfast is taken in a box-room where you are squeezed in between bleary-eyed strangers who mutter some form of greeting as you enter and then proceed to watch every mouthful of food you eat. They often view your choice of cereal with scorn as if you’ve made a terrible faux pas. Blighty only recommends staying in someone’s spare bedroom if you are really tight.

Camping can be split into two categories - a caravan or tent. Caravans are especially appropriate if you enjoy the smell of calor-gas and the company of earwigs. There is also the fascinating conversation to be had with fellow campers on site about the different models of caravan on the market. Blighty would only recommend tents to those who enjoy waking up in a bed full of sludge, in other words students.

Place to go on holiday: St Ives Cornwall, unless you don’t like crowds
Place not to go to on holiday: Hull
Accommodation to choose: Self-catering cottage preferably with fixtures and fittings.
Accommodation not to choose: B&B unless you fancy spending the week with the Addams Family

Next time Blighty will be addressing the thorny issue of what to do to pass the time while on your holiday.