If you have taken Blighty’s advice and chosen the self-catering option, your holiday will probably begin with a treasure hunt for your key. You will be given various clues as to its whereabouts, which may be in walkable distance from your cottage. However, the terrain will most likely only be accessible by foot and if you’re in one of England’s quaint seaside towns you will have had to park somewhere out in the countryside anyway. Blighty top tip - travel light.

Once you have discovered your key and have arrived at your cottage to find the door unlocked anyway, you can begin to explore your accommodation. It is unlikely to resemble the photograph in the brochure, the 36 inch TV with surround sound having been replaced by a 12 inch b/w portable with the aerial missing and the bed looking curiously narrower as though seen in one of those mirrors at fairgrounds. Check the running water to make sure it runs and is water and turn the oven on to determine that there’s a slight change in temperature.

Once the accommodation has been examined it’s time to have a walk around the town looking for somewhere to eat that evening. The competition will be stiff as there will be hundreds of other newly arrived holidaymakers doing the exact same thing. It might be a good idea to carry a pair of light binoculars so that you can read the menus from behind enemy shoulders. You might also consider some form of cosh for nobbling one or two of these competitors so that you’re not left with the local Pasta-Pizza-Kebab-Fish&Chip-Curry-Seafood Restaurant Cafe-Bar and Brasserie Garden Centre to eat at.

Competitive Sandcastle Dad arrives on the beach

If you’re lucky enough to have arrived during a dry spell try to take most of your holiday snaps now. You could keep nipping back to the cottage to change your clothing if you’re at all competitive with your friends about the weather you have on holiday. Tell them you took the pictures over seven days. Then head for the beer garden overlooking the sea.

In the unlikely event that the dry spell continues into the next day it’s time to check out the nearest beach. Try to find a spot away from Competitive Sandcastle Dad who has probably hired a JCB for the day and who employs his children as manual labour. A quiet spot far enough away from the ice-cream van so you can burn off some calories when refilling is also recommended.

Of course, at around four in the afternoon thoughts turn to the cream tea. This is a traditional British form of euthanasia, but what better way to go than by chucking a gallon of clotted cream down your throat. If you survive, go for a stiff walk along the cliffs and take some time to enjoy the coastal scenery. After a few minutes of that it’s time to head for the beer garden again.

Okay, you say, but what about when it’s raining during our holiday? What do we do then old boy? Simple, forget the beer garden, find the pub with the best pint.

Thing to search out on holiday - pub with the best view or pint
Thing to avoid on holiday - Competitive Sandcastle Dad