The people of Norfolk are coming to terms with the idea of living underwater in the near future. That is the prospect for the county according to University College London’s Benfield Hazard Research Centre. The reason is global warming. But before you start poking fun at the poor folk of Nor, making jokes about whether the locals would notice anyway, stop right there! Because if things get really bad the whole country could flood leading to the UK becoming a series of islands. FIFA are already looking into the viability of a single England football team continuing under those circumstances.

The future view of Norwich Cathedral

The people of Norfolk have sprung into action. Snorkels and wetsuits have been dispatched to local shops, those most at risk are being equipped with dingies for getting about and schools are doing triple lessons of swimming rather than the usual double. The wealthier residents are having their houses made thoroughly watertight and are said to be looking forward to seeing some interesting life forms swim by their windows in the near future. But the measures don’t stop at those designed to counter the effects of global warming, they’re also going to the root of the problem by exporting ice to the West Antarctic. Councillor Jack Groper said that there wasn’t an ice-cube left in the county, ‘You won’t find a Gin and Tonic served on the rocks in Norwich!’ he bragged today.

American born author, now resident of Norfolk, Bill Bryson is said to be excited by the prospect and is already planning his next book, Notes From Loads Of Small Islands. In a smart move he’s bought in a large batch of waterproof ink.

Opinions on the, currently dry, streets of Norwich were mixed today. Madge Banes, a housewife from Thetford said it was awful, how would she getting her washing dry? While Reg Wedge, a local fishmonger, said he was looking forward to it, ‘It will make my job easier,’ he said, ‘And I always wanted to go deep sea diving, soon I’ll be able to do it by opening the front door!’

The prospect might not be too good for the capital either, as London could disappear under waves in the next 200 years, a danger pounced on by the Paris Olympic bid team today. They claim that the 10 000 metres could start of as a run but end up as the front crawl, confusing competitors as to what to wear. Elsewhere plans are afoot to turn Buckingham Palace into a submarine. The periscope will be up while the Queen is in residence. As for the rest of us, we’ll just have to get training in the local pool if we can get in!