As usual the weather has played havoc with the scheduling at Wimbledon. This year, however, it’s BBC radio who are running behind. Because of the dry conditions there’s been little airtime void of play and as a consequence there are hours of aimless chatter to fit in before the tournament ends. The annual discussion about the dire state of British tennis is expected to fill at least three days of programming alone, although this year they’re narrowing the topic slightly to the state of English tennis. Blighty always enjoys these pointless debates more than the tennis commentary so suggests that they stop doing the matches for a couple of days to catch up. Let’s face it, no one is interested now anyway as there are no Brits left in.

Sharapova Practising

On court it’s been a quiet affair so far lacking in any really good outbursts and none of the line judges have been smacked in the chops by a tennis ball, alas. The lack of incident is reflected in the fact that Henman is the only player to make the headlines for having an outburst. He said a couple of naughty words apparently - ‘oh bother’ or something like that. British wild card Hope Lees was reported to have mouthed an obscenity out on court number 112 during her thirteen minute defeat to a 5985 ranked Cuban but Sharapova’s grunting from Centre Court rendered it mute. Many players have been complaining about the Wimbledon champion’s grunting, and not only when she’s playing. She spends hours on the practise court perfecting the shriek and it can be heard throughout the All England Club, even in the posh seats!

There have been suggestions that this year’s crowds are younger than usual, but Blighty suspects that people have missed the switch on BBC from Wimbledon to Glastonbury whilst making a cup of tea. They should have realised something was amiss when they saw topless girlfriends atop boyfriends backs waving their arms about. That just doesn’t happen at Wimbledon, unfortunately.

There’s been much talk this year about the Williams sisters - are they still any good and are their smiles more false than a Groucho Marx mustache. They aren’t expected to be around much longer as Venus is to pursue a career as a painter and decorator and Serena is to become an actor, she is currently playing a tennis player who is a really really nice person and not an arrogant, rude bitch at all. Serena lost her third round match denying us all of seeing another fascinating match against her sister. Whose turn was it to win this time anyway?

Most experts agree that the women’s event is more open than the men’s this year, even if most women’s matches are over quicker than you can say ‘that Maria Sharapova bird has got long legs’. Lindsay Davenport is the number one seed, but no one likes her because she’s big and clumsy so Sharapova is favourite. In fact most people don’t even know Davenport is here as the press photographers never show up to her matches. Blighty hopes she wins just to annoy the Tabloids.