The 17th Century was bad news if you were King and thought you could act like one. No longer could you parade about the kingdom lopping off people’s heads because they looked at you funny or knocked over your drink. Now you had to answer to Parliament and the New Model Army, an indie band who could kill a Royalist dead with one strum of a Gibson Les Paul Copy.

It’s not surprising Charles I had a chip on his shoulder. He was a Scot living in England, and we all know what they’re like. He was the first King of the newly formed union between Scotland and England. He thought he was divine, everyone else thought he was obnoxious, so they lopped off his head. Henry VIII turned in his grave. We know this because an earth tremor was reported at Windsor.

What did all this mean for the poor old sap in the street? Well, if you were Parliamentarian but had a brother who supported the King, it meant you had to kill each other. Even the cats fell out and had to be given separate bowls. The whole country was inflamed with family squabbles. Many appeared live on daytime TV setting fire to each other in front of a live studio audience. Ratings were high, especially when Open University was on the other side.

For those lucky enough to escape murder by one of your siblings bubonic plague proved a popular form of death. It began with a fever and ended up with a swelling in the groin and a seizure, a bit like sex only without the cigarette afterwards. No, that smell of burning would be London. The Great Fire was started by a baker who left his bread in the oven and subsequently destroyed 13000 houses. Not only that, but the loaf was overdone too.

Of course the 17th century wasn’t all bad, there were no Muslim terrorists, Australia hadn’t been founded yet so couldn’t beat us at cricket and the football season didn’t start in the middle of the summer. But all that brother killing brother stuff could put you right off your potage. Are you sure you’d rather live in the 17th century?

Person to be in the 17th century - a single child
Person not to be in the 17th century - the baker’s neighbour

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