Okay, you say, but apart from sitting around in rain and then buggering off home when the sun comes out, what exactly are these ashes about? Well, the Ashes are a series of games played between England and Australia every two years, alternating between the respective countries. Nowadays the Australians usually win them, but we have the last laugh as the trophy remains at Lords cricket ground in London. We could hardly trust the Aussies with it considering their lineage could we!

The Ashes are thus named because the trophy is an urn. But before you get squeamish let me assure you that it doesn’t contain ashes of an actual corpse! Oh no, they are the ashes of Lancashire opener Percy the Peg’s artificial leg, which was inadvertently bowled off by Aussie fast man Mike the Mongrel in 1888. Percy decided the leg was damaged beyond repair so set fire to it at the end of play. The rest is history.

One of the most famous Ashes series came in 1932 in the so-called Bodyline tour. It was thus called because of the Australian bodies that had to be carried from the field of play after fast bowler Harold Larwood had laid them out. England captain Douglas Jardine preferred the name ‘Leg Theory’, the theory being that if you broke the batter’s leg, or any other major limb, it would impede their ability to bat. The main target was ace Aussie batsman Don Bradman, whose secret weapon was the dazzle from his saintly halo that hit the bowler squarely in the eyes. That’s why the English always wore sunglasses when bowling to him.

Bradman survived the bodyline series, but had his batting figures severely restricted and the English team won the series 4-1, much to the Aussie chagrin, who cried foul. Jardine became the pantomime villain to Bradman’s Snow White and was jeered continually. The fact that he wore a girly neckerchief and Harlequin cap, not typical Aussie attire, made him an easy target. His response was to point out that all Australians were an uneducated unruly mob. Jardine was subsequently unsuccessful in his attempt to join the diplomatic core and spent the rest of his life receiving hatemail from Australia. Ironically, Harold Larwood was to emigrate to Australia after retiring although there are no reports of him committing GBH on any Australians after 1932.

There have been dubious tactics used since that infamous series. During the 1970s Yorkshire playboy Geoff Boycott put the Australia bowlers to sleep by hypnotising them with his bat. And in the 1990s Merv Hughes put the English batsmen off by wearing a comedy mustache. Nowadays cricket is generally played in a spirit of fair play unusual in sport. Balls are still bowled at the body, but bouncers are limited to two an over and the batsmen wear face guards. This makes elbows a far better target.