Hallelujah it is a miracle. The face of Jesus Christ has appeared in a hawthorn tree in West Sussex. A couple found him in their garden. Usually they would call in the police to get rid of the intruder but on this occasion they called in a pastor instead, who, being as deluded as them, decreed that it was, indeed, a miracle.

Jesus has previously popped up on a piece of toast and there have been numerous sightings on bedroom walls at night, especially when the wind blows the branches around outside. This is the first recorded sighting of him on a hawthorn tree however. You’d think he’d want to keep away from anything remotely thorn connected really. Quite what he’s supposed to be doing there no one knows. Perhaps all the B&Bs in the area were booked up.

So this is what faith is all about. A few grooves in a tree trunk, looking vaguely like a face, elevated into being the sacred image of our saviour. Sewdutt Maunick, the woman who found Jesus looking at her from out of a tree trunk, says, ‘It’s touched my heart and it’s done something for me.’ It’s your head that is touched dear. Lock her up!