Everybody is talking about it, but is what they’re saying true? Can you believe the media? It is well known, for instance, that no comment in the Daily Mail has ever been factual. Their weather forecasts even predict plagues of locusts on clear sunny days, especially during a Labour Government. So, Blighty has decided to break through this mire of misinformation and put you all straight.

If the flu pandemic does strike it’s no good popping to the chemist for a packet of antipandems because they won’t work. The virus will have mutated by this point into a human form that didn’t exist until it arrived. The only thing to do is hibernate.

It might be an idea to dust off those old nuclear fall-out pamphlets and follow their advice for shacking up for the long term. Ignore the bit about hiding underneath a table, however. If some blighter, fresh from a romantic tryst with feathered creature in Asia, sneezes in your vicinity, no kitchen furniture is going to help. Blighty top tip, don’t allow other people in your kitchen.

You can follow the advice about stocking up on baked beans though, as this is traditional in times of crisis. It might be a good idea to buy in plenty of flour too, so you can bake your own bread and thus have a constant supply of toast. Beans are no good without toast after all. It could make the difference between a bad flu pandemic and one in which everyone sits around the piano singing songs about the good old British spirit. You don’t have a piano? Buy one immediately! There will be no TV as most stars will stay at home and those who don’t will die on the air. On some ITV programmes it could be difficult to tell the difference.

It might be a good idea to move to a remote village in northern Scotland. If the virus does make its way up there it’s unlikely to have the legs to do any damage. Of course, if everyone follows this advice it could be counter-productive as they will all want to move there, bringing their germs with them. This would be bad news as regards the virus but will do wonders for the Scottish economy.

Of course, there will be no schools open during this time, so you can lock your children in their bedroom with the Sony PSP. If, however, your boss does not respond positively to your request for taking unlimited leave tell him to do something rude with a Thai chicken and leave immediately. The dictatorial bugger will probably die anyway so who cares?

This brings us to the economy. As no one will be working, and the streets will be empty, there could well be a slowdown. Blighty suggests taking out any money tied up in shares and hiding it under the bed. You’re not going to be going out any time soon so it is unlikely you’ll be robbed. And any decent burglar will be taking time off too, to spend with his family.

You will know it is safe once everyone else in your neighbourhood is dead. Dead men don’t sneeze. It will then be up to you to revive the human race by breeding like rabbits. However, warn any offspring not to go into chicken farming.