Readers often say to Blighty, ‘Hey Blighty, with all these television channels nowadays, it’s getting hard to know what to watch. Could you put one of your world famous guides together to fill us in?’ So, not being one to ignore feedback from his faithful readership (hi mum), here is Blighty’s guide to the weekend television.*

Friday

BBC1 7pm - Celebrities in Need. Unhinged celebrities ponce about in their spouse’s underwear embarrassing themselves for charity, mate.

Terry Wogan dresses up for charity.

Channel 4 7.30pm - Friends. The one where a bunch of smug American teeth sit around chattering.

BBC2 8pm - Reality TV School. Groups of wannabe TV producers are taught about the endless possibilities of making reality TV shows. Culminating in a show called Reality TV School, where groups of wannabe TV producers are taught about the endless possibilities of making reality TV shows…

ITV 8pm - Tonight with McDonalds. This week the investigative show sponsored by McDonalds looks into the ludicrous claim that fast food is bad for you, as if.

BBC2 11pm - Newsnight Revue. A group of London journos get together to put on a show, choreographed by Scottish song and dance woman Kirsty Walks.

Saturday

ITV 7.00pm - The Max Factor - A group of wannabe stars, with a series of unfortunate deformities, are given make-overs before the TV audience gets to vote on who is the least hideous.

Channel 4 7.05pm - Living With Aliens. The latest in the series showing viewers what you can do with photoshop and a piece of 3d software. Wow, they look weird maaan.

BBC1 9.10pm - Strictly Inane Television. More celebrities making fools of themselves, this time not for charity.

ITV 9.40 - Parkinson’s Disease. A senile star of the 1970s interviews the dead Frank Sinatra and asks him really boring questions that a 6 year old kid who has never heard of Frank Sinatra could think up, which he has asked before anyway.

Sunday

BBC2 8pm - Top Queer. Closet transsexual Jeremy Clarkson witters on endlessly about how politically incorrect he is, in between crashing cars and laughing like a child playing with his Fisher Price toys.

ITV 8pm - Faint Heartbeat. The latest episode in the experimental series in which nothing happens to a backdrop of pretty hills. Pushing back the boundaries of entertainment, as always.

ITV 9pm - If They’re Celebrities Get Me Out Of Here. Ten people who were on TV once get together to discuss the philosophy of Kant, and its relevance today.

BBC1 10.15pm - Panodrama. This week the current affairs show investigates the claim that Cherie Blair gives Tony Sugar Puffs for Breakfast, and asks the question, ‘Is this man fit for office?’

BBC1 10.55pm - Rome, Yes it is, No it isn’t. The latest installment of the pantomime loosely based on ancient Rome. ‘Oooh, do I look big in this toga, missus?’

* Blighty must apologise to his American readers for the, even more than usual, parochial nature of this post.