After the unprecedented success of Blighty’s summer forecast, back when you could go outside without the need for a torch, here is Blighty’s long-term winter forecast. Thanks to all those hundreds of readers who requested this feature.

The beginning of December will see some changeable weather, especially where a variety of meteorological conditions are experienced. Where this does not occur, a period of settled weather will prevail, although this could change later. Then conditions will be changeable until they stay the same for a certain amount of time. Say, three and a half hours.

Towards the middle of the month there will be depression over the northern half of the country, with suicide possible. In the south more cheerful weather is expected, although a fall of wet sleet could lead to the closing of some major roads and an escalation of hospital staff absenteeism. The East could see some wintry weather, with Anglia TV showing Dr Zhivago.

There will be a White Christmas where snow falls on the 25th of December. Where this does not occur, snow spray is available from Woolworths for 99p.

The new year will see a development of different weather, leading to new life forms and the possible extinction of humans. However, this could be a mark on our monitor, as our cleaning lady has rung in with flu, so the usual guff could prevail.

The middle of January will see the return of some daylight, except in Barnsley. Colours will be discernible when looking out of the window, but be quick or you’ll miss them.

The end of the month will see February weather taking hold.

The beginning of February will see some severe pressure in the north, leading to tense, nervous headaches in the south. Irritability is expected, arguments later.

The middle of February could see a cold snap, followed by a warmer snap, eventually leading to a changeable snap. By the end of the month there will be no snaps left, except in the far north. Here it will remain wintery until the middle of July. A very long snap.

On a final note there is the possibility of a flu pandemic gripping the country, in which case you’re not going to care much what the weather is like. Death later.