Another week, another boozy story from the land of the sloshed. This time scientists are getting in on the act. They’ve been downing beer by the test tube and coming up with some quite (un)startling results. Apparently, if you’re a short-sighted drunk in a pub lit by one 20 watt light bulb you’re not in a position to notice that the woman in the corner with long blond hair giving you the eye is actually the landlord’s Labrador, and is considering putting his head in your crotch because he’s on heat. In summary, beer impairs your judgment.

Might Blighty suggest that the researchers at Manchester University had been out on the beer themselves the day they came up with the idea for this research? Perhaps they woke up the morning after next to a toothless dipsomaniac with warts and halitoses and thought, ‘What a terrible misjudgment… There must be a doctorate in this!’

In typical scientist fashion this group of inebriated eggheads have come up with a formula to convey their findings. This pie-eyed theorem scores each drinker on a scale of 1 to 100. A jet pilot with twenty-twenty vision on orange squash will be a 1 whilst a drunken scientist from Manchester will be somewhere around 98 or 99.

A poll has suggested that 68% of people had regretted giving their telephone number to someone they thought, in the cold light of sobriety, was as unattractive as an alcoholic’s liver. Beware next time you’re out on the town in Manchester for bespectacled men, with notebooks, stating the obvious.