Glasgow kills, it’s official. Living there can slice ten years off your life. Well, if your alternative residence is a Georgian townhouse in Chelsea that is. Glaswegians can expect to be rudely shoved off this mortal coil before they reach 70, whereas Chelseagians can expect to enjoy an 80th birthday party with canapes and champers. Blighty wonders if the local delicacy of deep-fried mars bars accounts for this. In Chelsea mars bars are merely brushed with the finest Extra-virgin Olive Oil, imported directly from Spain, and lightly sauteed.

Gorbal’s residents dream of a longer life.

Of course, what this survey tells us, if we need telling, is that people in Chelsea are posh and therefore eat better, drink better and don’t do harmful things like work 80 hour weeks to afford the mortgage on the rundown bedsit in the Gorbals. Residents of Chelsea rarely work at all, in fact, as daddy sees them right. They have an easy life and get more of it. People from poor areas in Glasgow have a shorter life and it probably drags a bit anyway.

Scotland, generally, is not conducive to a long life. Although, the north of England, especially the north west, isn’t a lot better. If you can’t afford property in Chelsea, and .000008 percent of us can, then other options are places nobody has heard of like Epson, Hart and Rutland, where house prices are merely astronomical.