To ensure an enjoyable festive period it is paramount that you avoid those religious types who want to spoil your fun and bang on about ‘the true meaning of Christmas’. If you do happen to be buttonholed by a bible bore trying to entice you into church with promises of lovely carol singing and candles, point out that there has been a midwinter festival long before man invented Christianity and if you want to get drunk, over-indulge to ensure an extra layer of fat to protect you from the winter cold, and swap presents with fellow inebriates, it’s up to you. That’s why north Europeans invented a midwinter festival after all.

Having rid yourself of those pious types the next thing to do is get a cold - NOW! It’s not too late. Go and find the most germ-ridden snotty nosed sufferer you can and give him/her a good wet kiss, swapping plenty of fluids. This way you will get your cold out of the way before Christmas Day arrives. There’s nothing worse than sneezing all over your new pair of socks from Auntie Elsie, or coughing bit of turkey across the festive dinner table into Uncle Jack’s face. On the other hand, if Uncle Jack and Auntie Elsie turn up sniffling shut the door on them. If there is anything worse than coughing turkey across the table at once-a-year relatives, it is being coughed at.

It goes without saying that you should stock up with plenty of drink for the festive period. Count all your relatives, no matter how distant, or dead, multiply them by ten, add fifty and buy that amount of bottles of red wine, white wine, premium lager, cans of beer (with a widget) and good Single Malt Scotch Whisky. Oh, and get a small bottle of Bailey Irish Cream just in case Auntie Elsie does turn up germ-free. You could also buy in a can of 7-up in case someone is driving.

The trick on Christmas Day is to keep topping up with these fluids at regular intervals. Once you stop that’s your day over. You will undoubtedly spend it in front of a too-warm fire dozing while Eastender characters shout at each other somewhere in the distance. If you keep the alcohol flowing your warm glow will be prolonged and the day will pass in a comfortable, numbing haze.

Once Christmas Day is out of the way you can get down to some serious sleeping. Blighty would recommend hibernating through Boxing Day as this is something of an anti-climax, and a bit of a downer, especially after all that beer on the previous day. You could get up in the evening in time for a few drinks and turkey sandwiches, of course.

Blighty will be back shortly with more top tips on how to get the most out of your festive period.