As we all know, Christmas isn’t just about receiving. It’s also about taking presents back to the shop on Boxing Day to swap for something decent. Although, if Auntie Elsie buys you another scarf from the Edinburgh Wool Shop you might struggle to find a desirable replacement, unless you play golf, in which case you have bigger problems than getting rubbish Christmas presents.

If you are intending to buy presents for other people this year, in a laudable expression of festive spirit, then they can be roughly split into two categories. Presents for people you like and are happy to buy gifts for, and presents for those you despise and want to insult while also fulfilling your festive duty. For instance, if Uncle Jack is an illiterate bigot who reads The Sun newspaper and brags about his lack of education, buy him the collected works of Gustave Flaubert, preferably in the original language and not the translated edition. He’s bound to hate the French after all.

In preparation for those moments when opening a present in the company of the giver, it is recommended that you practise the look of unadulterated joy required for such occasions. The best way to do this is to imagine that the wrapping is a chiffon nightie and that the content is your favourite 17 year old tennis player. Although, this should be executed with care as you don’t want to get too excited and make a mess of the Christmas decorations.

If you have children to buy presents for try to avoid the more violent toys on the market. Semi-automatic rifles, for instance, are bound to bring out the more aggressive nature in your child, and holding up the local sweet shop would be a bad way to start the new year. If you must buy your child weapons stick to a bow and arrow. The accompanying tights will mitigate against really aggressive behaviour. Oh and don’t spend too much on your children. Unless they’ll cry through Christmas Day and spoil it for everyone of course.

More Blighty Christmas tips to follow soon.