The key to a successful Christmas dinner is to buy a turkey that isn’t carrying the Avian flu virus. There’s nothing worse than the whole family sitting down to eat the festive nosh and the centre-piece sneezing all over the place giving everyone a pandemic. It’s enough to put the dampener on the most jolly of family spirits.

The ailing Christmas turkey

If you’re a vegetarian, or like Blighty a peski-summat-or-other, you don’t have to worry about catching killer viruses. Your problem is finding something suitable to go with those roast potates, Brussel sprouts and parsnips. You could buy a packet of Quorn turkey pieces but Blighty wouldn’t recommend it. Instead, make one of those very posh terrines or pies in your cookbooks that you normally can’t bother with because it takes a month to prepare. However, this advice is probably a little late in the day as you would have to have started on it weeks ago.

Family arguments do not aid digestion. They are best avoided while eating rich food. There is plenty of time later, when more drink has been consumed, to bring up old grievances. Then you can ask Uncle Jack if he’s started reading Madame Bovary yet (see post below) and Auntie Elsie if she buys her scarves in bulk as the one she gave you this year looks remarkably like the one you received last Christmas.

Setting fire to the Christmas pudding is compulsory, but it is best done far away from the bottle of brandy. A nice blue flame illuminates any festive table but a raging fire is not attractive. A visit to the burns department at the local A&E is not recommended even if they do have some fine decorations up this year. While we’re on the subject of burns injuries, keep your eye on those Christmas lights, especially if they were a cheap set from Woolworths. They could ignite at any moment, and while a real fire is an attractive feature on Christmas Day, it is best kept to the fireplace.

The correct moment to bring out the Christmas cake is a tricky decision. Check the guests for any green colouring. If you do spot one suffering ask them if they would like to retire to the lounge with their cake to watch the Queen’s speech, ensuring that they don’t vomit at the dinner table. This invitation should also be extended to any guest suffering from severe flatulence. You don’t want all that hard work going to waste because a gassy guest has taken the edge off everyone’s appetite.

Finally, don’t forget to keep topping up those glasses. Drunk guests make a lively dinner table and ensure good arguments later - a suitable climax to any good Christmas get together.

More Blighty Christmas tips could follow, depending on alcohol consumption…