Ahhh, those halcyon days of youth. Discovering girls, playing football on the rec with your mates drunk on Special Brew, getting a high-pitched wail in your lug-holes while old people stand by and laugh. Perhaps that didn’t happen in your day. But it is the reality for the current generation of teenagers if they hang about in groups. More than three under-20s standing on a street corner in Middlesbrough can expect to be treated like dogs. You see, this high pitched noise can only be heard by those of teenage years, so they can be tortured mercilessly by the rest of us.

Middlesbrough Council has found itself in trouble, however, as a 23 year old lady from Redcar was affected by the sound whilst picking up her weekly shopping. Apparently Miss Wanda Freely has very young ears, a phenomena she puts down to eating a lot of marzipan. ‘There I was minding me own business like, picking up me weekly shop, when suddenly I heard this piercing wail! I thought it was World War III or summat like, ya know. I decided to head straight for the air raid shelter, but realised we don’t have one. Next thing I know I’m under a stampede of youths clutching their ears!’

Today Councillor Ed Casey told Blighty that some teething problems were to be expected. What about earing problems, Blighty asked. He told us that anyone over 20 bringing a birth certificate could pick up a pair of wax earplugs from the council offices between 9am and 5pm Monday to Friday. Otherwise they should stay at home and listen to Motorhead CDs until their hearing deteriorated sufficiently.